by Rev. Vonnie E James, JP, Grenada Baptist Association
Common myths about grief include the idea that it follows a set timeline or stages, that there’s a “right” way to grieve, and that you should “get over” it when, in reality, grief is a unique and complex process with no set path or duration.
Another common myth is that as Ministers of the Gospel/Faith Leaders, we should have a ‘better’ way of dealing with grief or that grief does not affect us as much. These myths are diametrically opposite to the truth.
I thought I knew what grief was. I was wrong. Maybe, as Ministers of the Gospel, some of us need to apologise. Seminary and other advanced theological training taught us about grief; however, until we have a personal experience, being taught about grief is like an abstract philosophical experience. Experiencing grief becomes the practicum of experiential grief knowledge.
As a minister who takes death seriously and someone who has been involved in burials for years now, grief has stunned me. In December 2020, my mother died; on 8 June 2022, my good friend from Jamaica, Sarah Newland Martin, OJ died; then Mrs Norma Leotha Blake of Campden Park of StVincent and the Grenadines — one of the first female elders who welcomed me in St Vincent for Ambassador for Christ spiritual development, died on Monday, 11 July 2022 at the age of 74. Her son, Nigel Blake, a former WEFM colleague in the ministry of St Vincent and the Grenadines and a popular radio announcer, passed away on 30 August 2022. Nigel Blake is the son of Pastor Verrol Blake, a beloved Minister of the Gospel in St Vincent. Then Melissa McIntyre — the wife of a colleague in ministry, died on Wednesday, 26 July 2023, at age 50. In January 2024, my pastor friend’s wife died; then, my niece, Allena Tanisha James Lusan Holder, died on Friday, February 2, 2024, at the age of 38, on her birthday. In 2024, my wife’s good friend’s daughter died on Sunday, 11 February 2024, at the age of 37 — Kerisha Nelson. Five other people in the Calliste community passed away in the succeeding months.
A colleague, Reverend Dr George R Frederick, a popular Pentecostal pastor in Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, passed away on Tuesday, 22 October 2024, at 76. Then, Pastor Phillip Wilmus Neptune, a college minister, died on Thursday, 12 December 2024. The year began in serious reflection, and then, on 3 March, a female pastor colleague of mine, the Rev. Yvanne Jean, died. How should we all deal with the grieving process brought on by all these losses?
International grief expert and noted author David Kessler has spent decades working with thousands of people experiencing the depths of their grief. He suggests 6 elements of the grieving process that can help us. First, Community Support: We should surround ourselves with people who can listen, offer distraction, and go deep with us into our grief. Next is Continued Connections with the Deceased: In essence, we maintain a relationship with the memory of the deceased through rituals, sharing memories, and saying their name. Thirdly, he reminds us, especially for our mental health and person, that Grief Does Not Define Us: We acknowledge our grief, but we must not allow it to define who we are. Thus, we honour our grief but refuse to lose ourselves in it. Fourthly, we intentionally Honour our Deceased. We must find ways to remember and celebrate the lives of the people we lost. Next, Treat Yourself as Your Best Friend. This means being kind and compassionate to ourselves during this challenging time. Another important consideration is to refuse to compare ourselves with others. All of us grieve differently. And finally, we should count our wins. Simple mundane acts such as getting out of bed, bathing, walking, eating on time, and such, are important wins the bereaved must not take for granted.
