Dad’s the reason she is safe with me!

by Dr Neals J Chitan

Over the past recent years, whether working in North America or the Caribbean, my phone has been ringing off the hook with calls from women and girls who are victims of domestic violence.

These calls tell stories of physical, emotional and sexual abuse that have landed male perpetrators behind bars while leaving female victims traumatised and broken, even to the point of suicide ideation and attempts.

Religious communities, which by mission should be agencies of hope, seem unable to stem the tide of domestic violence and abuse that’s erupting even in the pews of their churches, with this virus even inflicting men of the cloth also, but neatly swept under the rug. Within the last year alone, I have experienced it in my work and travels here in the region, with wives falling victim even at the hands of their police officer husbands. And so, I wonder, how is it that the thought of violently hurting Patsy, my wife of 41 years, never crossed my mind? The answer I have found in the legacy of the Chitan men.

Jeremiah Chitan, my late dad, was born to Joseph Chitan, who died when my father was only 12. However, despite this early loss, my dad was able to observe and appreciate his father’s caring and respectful attitude towards his wife, Margaret and their children, thus indelibly stamping that loving behaviour on my father’s character for life. Growing up, I frequently heard my dad reiterating the hard work and patience of my grandpa and how much he loved and cherished his wife, while also mentioning that he had never seen his father angry at his mother, furthermore, lifting a finger to hurt her.

I still remember one of the stories my dad told of his mom crying inconsolably, months after the passing of his dad. He related how her sister came by to visit and found her broken and in tears and asked, “Aren’t you going to stop crying?” to which she replied, “I have lost the love of my life, and my eyes are like a river that cannot stop flowing.” No wonder my dad loved my mom so much! He saw it in his dad and modelled it for us!

As my father’s first son, I am both grateful and thankful as I look back to the legacy of this great dad who has taught me to love and care for my wife, something seemingly genetic in Chitan men. I can think of times when my mom was plagued with painful nighttime health issues and remember him spending his last penny to get foreign health supplements, which he got up himself to either mix, make or administer to her in the wee hours of the morning. No wonder, today, I find myself getting up at night as my Patsy herself is plagued with the hot flashes discomfort of menopause and fanning her back to sleep. No wonder, dad! Thanks!

Although it is not my intention to canonise my father, for like me, he too has misstepped along life’s pathway, yet as a boy, I cannot remember hearing my dad and my mom arguing and fighting. Even if considered unlearned by today’s academic standards, they had an unwritten protocol to which they adhered, and that was not to argue in the presence of the children. They wanted to show a united front to us and dealt with their own issues privately. That’s smart parenting right there and should be considered rule #1 in Parenting 101!

It is not what we say or preach to our children that will remain with them, but what they see in us. The examples we set will become foundational pillars of character for them, and their actions, reactions and responses will be guided accordingly. From my observation as a Social Science and Behaviour Modification expert, most of the time, domestic violence starts with arguments that become so heated and uncontrollable that it quickly escalates to the next level of physical violence, frequently leaving the woman as the victim. And so, I can proclaim the “Psychology of Modelling” as no longer theory, but a fact that has been unequivocally proven in my dad’s socialising lab, and the spouses of his sons are the beneficiaries. They can all rest assured, knowing that they will never be the victims of domestic violence, for we have been fathered by a man who has shown love and care in the place of anger, revenge and hate.

Remember, dads, it begins and may end with you! Thanks dad! You are the reason why she is safe with me!

Dr Neals Chitan is an International Social Skill Consultant and Crime Reduction Specialist who holds a PhD in Social and Behavioural Sciences and currently works in Grenada. He is the President/Founder of Motiv-8 For Change International, a Toronto-based Social Skill Agency, and can be reached from North America at 647-692-6330 and locally 473-416-8377 or at [email protected]