by Judy M McCutcheon
Why is it that women, despite knowing their worth, often hesitate to ask for what they deserve?
Whether in the bedroom or the boardroom, too many of us accept less than we deserve — silently nodding when deep down we want more. Studies consistently show that men are far better at negotiating for higher salaries, benefits, and career advancement. This raises a critical question: why aren’t more women negotiating for themselves? Is it a confidence issue? Fear of rejection? Or perhaps societal pressures make it harder for women to self-advocate?
The truth is, a mix of all these factors is at play. In many ways, the answer lies in how women are socialised. We’re often raised to avoid confrontation, to be agreeable, and to prioritise harmony over our own needs. These deeply ingrained expectations impact how we handle negotiation in the workplace, often to our detriment. The result? Women miss out on higher pay, better benefits, and opportunities for career growth. According to a 2022 McKinsey & Company report, women in corporate America still earn only 82 cents for every dollar and Black women 66 cents for every dollar earned by men in similar roles.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. Once, I accepted a position without negotiating my salary, even though I knew that with my qualifications and experience, I deserved more. Later, I found out that people in similar roles in the same industry were earning significantly higher wages. Frustrated, I left that job feeling as if only the company had benefitted from my hard work. My story is not unique, but it is preventable — and the key lies in learning to negotiate for ourselves.
The issue isn’t just a lack of negotiation skills. For women, the social cost of negotiating is significantly higher than it is for men. While men are often praised for being assertive or driving a hard bargain, women who negotiate are sometimes labelled “difficult” or “aggressive.” Studies show that women who negotiate for higher pay face more backlash than men. Research from Harvard Business School revealed that women are 66% more likely than men to receive negative feedback when negotiating assertively.
This double standard forces many women into a bind: they may feel it’s not worth the risk to ask for more, even when they know they deserve it. The fear of being seen as “pushy” or “unlikable” can keep women from negotiating altogether. Instead, we tend to be more successful negotiating on behalf of others than ourselves. But why should it be this way?
Here’s where things get interesting: while negotiating for oneself can be daunting, research suggests that women excel when they adopt a communal approach — framing the negotiation as beneficial not just for themselves, but for the team or organisation. By shifting the focus from “I” to “we,” women can reduce the social cost of negotiating while still advocating for what they deserve.
For example, instead of saying, “I deserve a raise because I’ve been performing well,” you could say, “By improving my compensation, I’ll be better positioned to contribute to the team’s success and help achieve the company’s goals.” This approach resonates more positively in a work environment where collaboration is key, and it allows women to negotiate without appearing self-centred.
Negotiation isn’t just about securing a higher salary. It’s about recognising your value and making sure it’s reflected in your compensation. This is especially important if you’re interviewing for a role that requires negotiation skills — after all, if you can’t advocate for yourself, how will you negotiate on behalf of the company?
A 2020 study by Lean In found that women were less likely than men to negotiate their first job offer. Yet, when they did negotiate, they often achieved results similar to their male counterparts. The problem is, too many women avoid the conversation altogether, assuming the outcome will be negative. But as with anything, mindset is crucial. If you believe you’ll fail before you start, you’re less likely to succeed. A confident mindset leads to better outcomes, and the act of negotiating is an important step toward achieving the pay and recognition you deserve.
Four Steps to Effective Negotiation
If you’re unsure how to start, Vicki Slavina, in an article for The Muse, offers 4 key steps to prepare for a successful negotiation:
- Assess the Situation: Evaluate whether you have room to influence the negotiation’s outcome. Consider your leverage — do you have unique skills, experience, or achievements that can make a strong case?
- Plan Carefully: If you can influence the situation, how will you approach it? What do you hope to achieve? What matters most to the other party in the negotiation, and what problems are they trying to solve?
- Ask Clearly: Don’t shy away from making your request. Clearly articulate what you need and show why it’s a legitimate request. The clearer and more direct you are, the better.
- Package Your Proposal: Present your case using the “I/we” approach. Show how what you’re asking for benefits not only you but also the organisation. Use data or examples to support your proposal.
As frustrating as it is, the reality remains that men face fewer barriers to negotiation. They often aren’t expected to justify how their salary demands will benefit others — they simply ask for what they want and receive it. Women, however, still face an uphill battle, both in terms of pay equity and the ability to advocate for themselves without judgment.
But change is coming. The more women learn to negotiate effectively, the more we can push back against these outdated norms. Equal pay for equal work is still a long way off, but it’s a fight worth continuing. The 2022 World Economic Forum estimates that at the current rate, it will take another 132 years to close the global gender pay gap. That’s unacceptable. While we wait for broader changes, we must continue advocating for ourselves, learning to negotiate, and breaking down the barriers that hold us back.
Negotiation is about more than money — it’s about dignity, respect, and recognising our worth. So, the next time you’re in a position to ask for more, remember — you deserve it.
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Judy McCutcheon is the CEO of Go Blue Consulting and a Certified Leadership and Trauma-Informed Coach
